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Monday, 21 December 2015

Centre of the universe

Londoners awoke this morning to the shocking news that their city is not the centre of the universe.

"We've been checking our calculations for months," said NASA scientist Dr Scott Hardsum. "There's no doubt about it. London is not even close to the centre."

"Do wot?" commented taxi driver Roy Winston (45). "You're 'avin' a bubble, aintcha?"

On being assured the news was genuine, Roy's incredulity only increased. "You can't trust scientists, mate," he said. "Saw one on the telly claimed he'd discovered an Oxoplanet. 

"Bleedin likely that, aintit?" he added. "Whole world made of beef cubes."

"Bit tasty though," commented Roy's colleague Mike Caine (35).

Residents of London seemed wholly uninterested in the most exciting aspect of the new discovery - the true location of the centre of the universe. 

"It's in Glasgow," said Dr Hardsum: "Celtic Park to be precise."

"Arse," commented Rangers fan Alex Govan (29). "Now I'm gonnae have to move to another universe."

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